Well, is this what I've been reduced to? Analysis of our every interaction to deduce what possibly might happen?

....It wouldn't be honest to say no, but I don't think that's the main point of this. The main point of this is that every time I think I'm over you, you come back in and tell me, no, actually no you aren't kid. I have held off from talking/seeing you for 3 days, but as soon as we sit at a movie together BAM it all comes back.. why?

I didn't expect you to come sit with me. There had to be other kids you knew, from hum from wherever, but no, you did come to sit with me. Tapped me on the shoulder and ran around the other side. No heavy analysis, just felt like old times. And we sat and we talked, as friends should and would. Yet, even in our interactions it feels... off. Every time our shoulders brushed, or knees touched, there was a moment, but then we just forgot about it and continued on with Lenny's odd journey.

At the end, we talked, we laughed, I couldn't find my phone, you kind of waited, but then I started talking to another friend and you walked out. We saw each other again, and had one of our infamous awkward good-byes. I saw you running to catch up with Esther. I am quite tempted to hear about how you guys hang.

I always make fun of you for being awkward. This time it's me, and I'm sorry. I just miss you. A lot. Which is funny, considering we never had anything, but it seems like you're doing well. Hopefully I will be too, in time..

Why do I torture myself like this? It's because I don't want it to be over. When my mom said that I wanted to prolong my misery, I thought she was crazy. But she was right, in a sense. It's not so much I want to prolong pain, as I do want to hold onto hope. So even as I don't text you, or message you, or make myself available at all. Even as we don't hang out at all, or see each other ever. I'm sure you see it all when I catch your eye in hum. I just wish I saw the same thing in yours.

Dear Diana,

Rawr. Here we go:

I have. No fucking clue. What you want, what you need, what's going on in your mind. Maybe this is another massive overreaction to a simple misunderstanding, but this is how my brain functions as a "that kid," and it is the brain you claimed to be attracted to not a week ago. 

I understand that you want to be single. I understand you never could guarantee anything between us. I can ride with that. But there is a difference between saying nothing could happen, and the awkward half-related conversations/encounters we've had this week. Parts of this was my fault, as I was trying to regain some power in this ship of ours, but parts of this have been you too. 

I've told you from the beginning, the only thing I wanted was honesty. I wanted to know how you honestly felt about things. You responded with what seemed acceptance and I trusted your replies to me. But this past week, there have been some inconsistencies between what you say and how you act. Namely, when we see each other in a restaurant, not being able to say hi to you. But other things, "I just want to be alone, I'm introverted." Really? Really? This is what I get? After the past 3 months?

You're an emotional rollercoaster, kid. Sometimes, you are the best, most affectionate person ever, you make me the happiest person ever, and it seems only a matter of time. Other times, it's just pulling teeth to get you to talk to me or hang out. Recently its gotten as bad as it's ever been for me. I just want to know why it has to be like this. Why you have no idea what you want, why you seem almost scared of what we could be, or why you just can't tell me the truth-- that this will never happen, and we are donezo.

I've never lost at the pursuit, I've always been able to get and worm my way into something by figuring out personalities, but you're a whole new world. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to you so much, not being able to say I truly get everything about you. But it's also hindering my progress in turning this into something real, and that's unfortunate. I could see us going for miles. I thought I wanted the random hookup deal in college, thought I'd never be able to go long term, but I guess that was all before I met you. Gods, that sounds like such a melodramatic declaration, but there it is. 

So let me propose an idea; let's both drop pretenses and lay the cards out. Maybe I'm being completely insensitive, and not realizing you're feeling the exact same way right now. Maybe you think I'm just as unreachable and thus, are playing the same games I am to protect yourself. Maybe I'm completely right, and you just don't know how to tell me it's over. Maybe it's somewhere in the middle. But let's talk about it honestly, let's end the stupid one word texts and not answering questions we may not be ready for. I want to do this tomorrow, and I will text you about it at some point. After Aepi, where perhaps this whole thing takes a new turn.

I wish I could say this is a letter to tell you I'm done with you, but I'm not. Despite all this ludicrous interactions we've had, I still like you way more than I've liked any previous girl. I'm also extremely patient, and willing to bid my time, providing some consistency in what we are during. However, if you are done with me, please at least inform me, so I can begin to get over you. And if this is the case, at least, let us remain good friends, as you are still a fly person.

Orion.